Divorce.
It's kind of everywhere.
Statistics show that the American divorce rate holds strong at 50% (with second marriages coming in at 64%). That's half. Half of American marriages end in divorce. So, even if you are happily married, chances are divorce has impacted you somehow.
Since divorce is so prevalent, I feel like we as a society have become somewhat numb to it. You hear someone is getting a divorce, and the sentiment is something along the lines of "Oh, that stinks" and you go on eating your dinner. It's unfortunately become not a big deal.
But it is. It is a big deal.
You see, I am happily married. Sure, it is hard at times, but Hubby and I believe in marriage, commitment and family. I look forward to the decades to come of my life with him. Despite finding my Prince Charming, and working hard to live my Happily Ever After, I cannot ignore the fact that I have ish to work through.
Fact: When I was 15, my parents got a divorce. It was a rough one, although not as messy as some. It was not amicable. It was not pain-free. So, I may be married, and intend on staying married until death do us part, but I have lived through the divorce of my parents, so I can speak firsthand about how divorce affects people.
Particularly kids.
My parents divorce has deeply impacted my life. I still deal with the emotional and mental aftermath, even today. I think it is important to realize that divorce affects people: the people involved, the people who know the people involved. No one encounters a divorce without being affected. And I'd go as far as saying that divorce, even the most amicable, can really mess you up. Divorce challenges what you believe about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. It pokes holes in your ability to trust, to understand commitment, to experience love.
But we do a disservice to those dealing a divorce when we chalk them up to being "another statistic." As a 15 year old first learning about my parents divorce, I wanted to scream to the world, "I AM NOT A STATISTIC! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE MY LIFE." Since divorce has become so commonplace, we quickly move on from the news of a divorce. Yet, we forget that the people involved do not move on. They live in the reality of the divorce. It's something they face every day. They hurt. They get angry. They make poor decisions. They regret. Like someone living with chronic pain, they are unable to escape what they are living through.
There is nothing so isolating as watching people live life around you as you are stuck in a nightmare you can't wake up from.
What we forget most of all is the people who are hurt the most: Kids. While I do not necessarily agree with divorce, my experience has helped me realize that sometimes divorce is the only (or best) answer in a given situation. I do not say this lightly. And while two adults make choices that impact their relationship, there are small people involved who have no choice in the matter. No choice, and often no voice, yet they will wear the scars of the battle.
So, I've started writing a bit about what I experienced dealing with my parents divorce: the onset, the process, the aftermath. I'm not sure where to go with this post series, but I know writing has helped me process over the years. It is my hope that:
- This can be a resource to people dealing with divorce.
- It gives those of you who have not dealt with divorce first-hand a better understanding of the implications of divorce.
- This series can give divorced kids a voice, and the adults in their lives a better understanding of how to help them through the process.
- It will give those of you who have beenimpacted by divorce a chance to process and work-through your own stuff.
I'd love to hear your stories, what you've learned, how you've healed, and your advice to others.
So stay tuned.
Steph, awesome idea for a post series. I think the my parents split up shortly after yours or right around the same time. And even for teenagers it has a huge effect on us as kids of divorced parents. I am looking forward to hearing the rest of your story, and would be willing to share mine if you want!
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Hey Steph! So, I saw this post and it captured me because I am currently going through a divorce. It is not what I ever expected to do in my life, but I know that I will be better because of it...and so will my kids. I think that each and every person has a unique and different reason for going through this process. Trust me...it is nothing you would ever wish for. While we are trying to keep things amicable, it can be difficult at times. I actually haven't been myself in years and now that I am going through this, everyone is commenting that I am back! It is actually a great feeling, as much as it is a sucky one! That may sounds weird to some, but to me it makes perfect sense. I look forward to reading up on this post, as I think it may be helpful for me to get "the kids" side of things and get an idea of what to expect. Luckily, the kids have been great so far...and maybe that is because they are only 5 and 3 years old. They understand, but they don't...
ReplyDeleteIt never ceases to amaze me how oblivious I was as a child. I didn't even know about your parents' divorce and yet it happened right there virtually in front of my eyes. Although I generally feel that my immediate environment is divorce-free, I can't even count on 2 hands all of my family members that have gotten divorces. And you're right, it's my family, and I still do tend to say "that stinks" and move on. Kinda human nature to count your blessings and move on without getting too sucked into someone else's problems. But I like to hear and think about and work through other people's problems, so I'm interested to read more of your experiences from the inside out. And, if there is a silver lining to the statistic-laden world of divorce, I offer you this mathematical counter argument: if 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce, but second marriages are pulling more than their fair share at 64%, that means first (and third and fourth...) marriages must be below the 50% line. So essentially the divorce-prone are driving up the average with multiple divorces, while the hopefully happily married couple on their first marriage have a better than average shot of making it last :)
ReplyDeleteWhile my parents were separated for 5 years...no.divorce....it really effed up my life and in.particular my relationship with my now husband. So many insecurities. I remember at one point sobbing because I was such an existential mess at 24 and I had no idea if he was the one and how did I.know this very thing wouldn't happen to me later in.life? I spent hours in therapy at my college and then a few years later...when that quarter life crisis reared its head. It's crappy at any age. I'm.wiser now for it all and I know my parents are too. They are the ones coaching my sister at this very moment about whether it males.sense for her to.continue.with her engagement. Another story.
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